I wanna go back.

I was looking outside my window today, and I saw three little girls. They were skipping and running and laughing. They were smiling. And I stared at them. And I remembered when that used to be me, because all I had to worry about was making it through the hopscotch obstacle. I looked at them and realized that one day they're gonna grow up. They'll go through heartbreaks. They'll feel pain. They'll cry. They'll feel alone. And I wish I could say it'll be okay, but I can't say that, because I don't even know myself. It doesn't seem like it's going to be, and I have no hope that it's going to be. And I guess that in itself is okay. I don't know why, but it just is.

I wish I could go back to being those little girls, where none of this growing-up stuff ever occurred to me. Maybe I could change things. Maybe I wouldn't have to be going through this. People tell me that it's just a phase, but three years is no phase to me.

My house is not a home. It used to be. But it's not anymore. Friends. What friends? I barely have any anymore. Relationships are hard. I never know what to say anymore. It's important to keep some things to yourself, even though I don't really want to. But I know if I come out with the truth, it would be too hard to rationalize things because we're both so stubborn.

There are so many other things that have happened, but I just can't mention them. It's too personal. I wish I could tell you, but I don't know you. Or do I? People can look at me and say that I'm one fucked up person, and that's okay, because they don't know what I'm going through, and who am I to tell them my business. Why should I give them time to get to know me when they took no time in waiting to judge me.

I hung out with Daniel today, my BBF. I don't know if we're still BBF and GBF. I hope we are. I had a lot of fun with him, catching up and laughing outside of El Appetiz. We were counting calories together. We went back to my house, and I told him what was up. He let me play Tetris. Daniel, my sister, my brother(s), and I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It is a funny movie, but I just wasn't in the mood. But I did my best to laugh, beacuse laughing is good for you I guess. Daniel left, and I wish he could've stayed longer because company keeps my mind out of a lot of things. But he had things to do, and that's okay, because he has his own life to deal with. And even though he has his own life to deal with, he spent some time with me. I think he knows what's going on. He just doesn't wanna be upfront about it. I like that, because sometimes I just don't wanna talk about things.

I was lying down on my bed. I was crying, and I reached out my hand. I don't know what I was reaching for, or who I was reaching for, but no one grabbed it. I clenched my fist as tight as I could, because that was the only release I had. I felt like my palm was going to bleed. Imagine that.

I'm supposed to be cleaning my room. But I'm going out with my boyfriend tonight, and we're gonna hug each other and kiss each other and sleep with each other. These nights are nice. But I don't know how tonight will turn out, because something is on my mind. I want to tell him. But I don't want to tell him. I'm tired of drama. I have enough of it. But knowing me, I probably will tell him. Hopefully I'll gain the courage to be quiet. Maybe I'll subtly cry it out in the bathroom while he's watching TV.

It's okay if you call me a cry baby. I do cry a lot. And I do feel like a baby, because I'm always in need of someone to hold me and let me know everything's gonna be alright. No one has done that in awhile. It's okay.

I think I'm going to tell Dane. I'll be honest with him. It's always good to be honest in a relationship. I don't like being lied to. I know how it feels, and it's very painful. That's what I feel right now. My heart is broken, and I feel like it keeps on breaking. You know that one song Turn the Car Around - OARS. I think that's what the band is called. I'm not sure. I feel like that song is for me right now. It's a good song. It's a sad song. I'm not going to listen to it because I don't wanna cry. I finished crying. I'm sure I'll cry more later on.


Why am I so worthless to the people that mean the most to me..?
It makes me sad..






If you have anything to say to me..
you can always comment on whatever post.
It's okay if you have nothing to say.
It's been quiet for awhile.