Here...

I'm going to write as though I'm talking to someone. I'm going to write as though someone's listening. I'm going to write as though no one's listening. It doesn't make sense, but it does. If you choose to waste your time reading this, don't let me stop you. And if you're that someone who's listening, let me know. And if you're not listening, just please keep quiet.

Today, I finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. It was a very good book. I like Charlie. I can relate to him in so many ways. I went to school. It was nothing special. I went to ASL class. It was routine. I talked to my friends and played a game called Never Have I Ever. It wasn't fair, because I was against two guys, but that doesn't really matter. I got my midterm back. I got an A on it. Class ended early, and I made my way to my next class which would start in about an hour. That is when I finished reading the book, and during that time, my boyfriend texted me. It made me sad. I've been sad. I have no one to talk to about it. But anyways, that isn't the point. He said he lost himself. And it makes me sad because I know I can't help him, no matter how hard I try to. I've accepted that I can't be everything for him, although I wish I could. Sometimes I don't even feel like his girlfriend, but then I think about the reality that I am, and it makes me happy. It's a different kind of happy. I don't know what kind of happy. I think it's a sad kind of happy, because there is so much that I wanna do, but I cannot do. We stopped texting because he had lab, and I had anthropology class. I got a B on the midterm. I wish it was an A, but it's not, and it's okay. I didn't work for it.

I forgot to mention that I turned off my phone. I turned it off because it makes me sad when I don't receive anything when it's on and I guess I think that when I turn it on, something will come up. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't, and when it does it makes me happy, and when it doesn't, it makes me sad. My teacher wanted to talk to me after class because I told him my major was Biology. He said that later on he wants to help me out, because it's all about "the people you know." He mentioned one of his friends that does something medical and he said he could help me out a lot. He just told me to keep the number on the syllabus for the future. That was nice of him.

That was my last class. I turned on my phone. I got nothing. I was sad. I put on my sunglasses and I went on my way to drive home. I put on one of my favorite CDs. It's a mix CD. I cried the way home to the point where everything was a blur to me. I was sad. I am sad. I wish I could take all those times I was happy and just make time stop. My chest hurts from the sobbing. My eyes hurt from the tears. I wish I had someone to talk to. This is why I keep reading. This is why I write. I don't wanna cry anymore. And when I read and write, it helps. Not all the time. Just sometimes.

I thought about August 25th. I thought about summer. It gave me a warm feeling. I saw a Toyota Camry when I exited the freeway. It reminded me of my boyfriend. At first I thought it was him, because the damage in the back was similar to his damage. But then I looked at the emblem. It was gold. His is silver. It wasn't him.

I was driving a little slow. I was driving like I didn't know how to drive. My sunglasses were off. And it didn't matter if the sun was in my eyes. I was still crying. Someone honked at me and switched lanes. He looked at me and was about to give me the finger, but I guess he saw me crying and apologized with a hand gesture.

I parked my car on the driveway. I sat in there for ten minutes listening to the rest of my CD. It made me cry more. I put on my sunglasses because I knew that when I walk in, my brother and my neighbor would be inside. I heard their voices when I got out of the car. I gave them a fake smile and went to my room and put my stuff away. I went to my parents' restroom and opened my dad's drawer where I knew he kept his knives. I picked it up and stared. Then put it down. I walked away and went back into my room.

Dane says I'm strong. I think he really means it, but when I think about it myself, I don't feel strong.

All I wanna do is take the easy way out.
I think I know why I haven't.
And I think that makes all this pain worth it.

Hopefully it'll go away soon. But if it doesn't, we'll see what happens...


Oh, and when I was reaching the end of the book, he said that it's okay to be the way you are. I guess I should stop being sorry for being who I am. I'm the kind of person that cries all the time. I'm the kind of person that needs someone.

I should stop being sorry, but I'm still sorry because I don't wanna waste anyone's time..


That's all.
- Kristin