Memorial Day Weekend

I haven't written in awhile. But that's because I've been busy and out. Things have been looking up, I guess. I've been spending a lot of time with my boyfriend since Wednesday night, and it's been helping out a lot. I have to admit, though, that sometimes, things get into my head, and it's hard to forget. But I'm okay.

Saturday I hung out with Aaron all day. He took me to the LA Convention Center. I've never been there before, and for some reason, while I was there, I kept smiling and giggling. I have to mention one thing... Aaron is one scary driver. I kept quiet though, because I hate it when people judge my driving WHILE I'm driving. We went to the mall and I bought something for my boyfriend. I remember he told me he wanted this shirt at UCLA. He didn't get it because if he wore it around me, he'd feel bad. So I got a custom made shirt. It was expensive. But it's okay. 

We went back to Aaron's house for a BBQ, and I had a lot of fun. It took my mind off of a lot of things, and it kept me busy. His family is so sweet. I had my first margarita. And I had my first pina colada. Ate chips, burgers, hot dogs, pineapples. It was really nice to be around people and to see so many people smiling and laughing. And it was nice to take part in that.

Went back to my house to pick up my car. Then to the mall to pick up the shirt. I visited one of my friends who I haven't seen in so long, and it was nice to catch up a little bit. We made plans for the coming week. I hope it pulls through. I showed him the shirt I bought for Dane, and he wanted one himself. That made me smile. After that, I took the shirt to Dane. I think I enjoyed his reaction when he saw it. I didn't stay at his house for long. I knew he was busy, so I made my stay short and sweet, kissed him goodbye, and went on my way to Aaron's again.

I stayed at Aaron's till 10:30. Saw Ariel. I missed her. It was good seeing her again after almost a year. It was a good day.

Today, I spent time with the family watching Jon and Kate Plus 8. It's sad that things are falling apart for them. I wish they could work things out. It breaks my heart a little, especially because of the kids. Mmm, I went to Barnes n Noble because I wanted to buy a book. They didn't have it though, so I was a little upset. I met up with Dane there. It was nice. His brother, Adam, was there, and I brought Krstal, Rainier, and Giselle with me. Everyone had a partner :) And that was good. Went to Best Buy, and my boyfriend and I kicked butt on the XBox Demos that we played :) Went back to my house, dropped off the kids, and then went to El Appetiz because he was hungry. I went to Target to pick up my food. Went back to my house to cook the food, then went back to El Appetiz to pick up Dane's food. Sounds complicated. It was really nice to have one-on-one time with him though. It made me happy, even though it wasn't for long.

Hm, and today has been nine months since he & I shared our first kiss.

I love him. I just realized that I have never done so much for anyone else, and I really don't mind. He's worth it to me :)

Nice try

Last night was a good night. It was a really good night. Dane came over from Irvine and we spent the night together. We talked about what was on my mind. I wasn't gonna say anything and I tried my best to act like I was okay even though I really wasn't. But he knew something was wrong. It took awhile to get it out of me, but we talked. No fighting. No yelling. Just talking and comforting. It was nice to finally talk about my problems. It was nice to finally hug someone. It was even better that that someone was Dane. I cried. Of course I cried. That's no surprise.

The things people do to try and get in the middle of two people that love each other is beyond me. She doesn't know when to back off. It makes me mad. If this was happening to anyone else, I'm sure they would be just as mad too. She says things like that and makes it public because she knows I see it and thinks it would bother me. But nice try. I know the truth. I've heard it from more than enough people. And the things that she has to make him tell her just so she can leave him alone.. It's insane. But whatever it takes for you to leave us alone.

Honestly, I was scared. He saw that I was scared. He knew that I was scared. But he hugged me tight and told me that there was nothing to worry about. He told me he loved me and only me. And I believe him. He brushed my hair out of my face. He caressed my cheeks. He smiled at me. And he kissed me. And I knew that he meant everything he said.


And the night was absolutely amazing.

- Kristin

I wanna go back.

I was looking outside my window today, and I saw three little girls. They were skipping and running and laughing. They were smiling. And I stared at them. And I remembered when that used to be me, because all I had to worry about was making it through the hopscotch obstacle. I looked at them and realized that one day they're gonna grow up. They'll go through heartbreaks. They'll feel pain. They'll cry. They'll feel alone. And I wish I could say it'll be okay, but I can't say that, because I don't even know myself. It doesn't seem like it's going to be, and I have no hope that it's going to be. And I guess that in itself is okay. I don't know why, but it just is.

I wish I could go back to being those little girls, where none of this growing-up stuff ever occurred to me. Maybe I could change things. Maybe I wouldn't have to be going through this. People tell me that it's just a phase, but three years is no phase to me.

My house is not a home. It used to be. But it's not anymore. Friends. What friends? I barely have any anymore. Relationships are hard. I never know what to say anymore. It's important to keep some things to yourself, even though I don't really want to. But I know if I come out with the truth, it would be too hard to rationalize things because we're both so stubborn.

There are so many other things that have happened, but I just can't mention them. It's too personal. I wish I could tell you, but I don't know you. Or do I? People can look at me and say that I'm one fucked up person, and that's okay, because they don't know what I'm going through, and who am I to tell them my business. Why should I give them time to get to know me when they took no time in waiting to judge me.

I hung out with Daniel today, my BBF. I don't know if we're still BBF and GBF. I hope we are. I had a lot of fun with him, catching up and laughing outside of El Appetiz. We were counting calories together. We went back to my house, and I told him what was up. He let me play Tetris. Daniel, my sister, my brother(s), and I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It is a funny movie, but I just wasn't in the mood. But I did my best to laugh, beacuse laughing is good for you I guess. Daniel left, and I wish he could've stayed longer because company keeps my mind out of a lot of things. But he had things to do, and that's okay, because he has his own life to deal with. And even though he has his own life to deal with, he spent some time with me. I think he knows what's going on. He just doesn't wanna be upfront about it. I like that, because sometimes I just don't wanna talk about things.

I was lying down on my bed. I was crying, and I reached out my hand. I don't know what I was reaching for, or who I was reaching for, but no one grabbed it. I clenched my fist as tight as I could, because that was the only release I had. I felt like my palm was going to bleed. Imagine that.

I'm supposed to be cleaning my room. But I'm going out with my boyfriend tonight, and we're gonna hug each other and kiss each other and sleep with each other. These nights are nice. But I don't know how tonight will turn out, because something is on my mind. I want to tell him. But I don't want to tell him. I'm tired of drama. I have enough of it. But knowing me, I probably will tell him. Hopefully I'll gain the courage to be quiet. Maybe I'll subtly cry it out in the bathroom while he's watching TV.

It's okay if you call me a cry baby. I do cry a lot. And I do feel like a baby, because I'm always in need of someone to hold me and let me know everything's gonna be alright. No one has done that in awhile. It's okay.

I think I'm going to tell Dane. I'll be honest with him. It's always good to be honest in a relationship. I don't like being lied to. I know how it feels, and it's very painful. That's what I feel right now. My heart is broken, and I feel like it keeps on breaking. You know that one song Turn the Car Around - OARS. I think that's what the band is called. I'm not sure. I feel like that song is for me right now. It's a good song. It's a sad song. I'm not going to listen to it because I don't wanna cry. I finished crying. I'm sure I'll cry more later on.


Why am I so worthless to the people that mean the most to me..?
It makes me sad..






If you have anything to say to me..
you can always comment on whatever post.
It's okay if you have nothing to say.
It's been quiet for awhile.

Why?

Why is this happening? I really don't know what I did to deserve this. Honestly. I think I'm a good person. I've always tried to be in every way that I could. A daughter, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend. My heart hurts again. I don't know what to think again. I don't know anything again. How come when things get better, it only takes a few seconds for everything to go bad again?

I saw something today, and it broke my heart. I talked to someone about it today, and it broke my heart even more. I don't know what to do. I just don't wanna deal with anything anymore. I'm at the edge. And I'm slowly slipping.

I think I'm gonna make my final jump soon.






Why are you doing this to me again?.. :'(

Count your blessings

I'm glad I have friends that care. It's nice to know people are concerned when you think no one really is. My head hurts, but I wanna write. Not too much. But just enough. I've finally calmed down. I couldn't breathe earlier. I couldn't find my inhaler. It was bad, but I'm okay now. Dane and I talked. We're okay now too.

So much was going through my head. People were scared for me. It was weird. I didn't know people could be so concerned. I didn't know who my friends were, and I thought no one really cared. But it's good to know they do.

I finished my philosophy paper. It's not so good. I wrote it while dealing with all the stress. I felt like my brain was about to explode. I turned off my phone several times. I got so many texts. It made me happy, but at the same time, not so much. I even got a voice message.

I was about to fall asleep because my head was hurting so badly. But Dane called, and we cleared things up with each other. We're usually really stubborn when we fight. But this time, it wasn't so bad. We don't even really fight all the time. We're just really stressed.. him more than me, I think. He's stressed with school. I'm stressed with a lot of personal issues. But at least we have each other. Relationships are hard. I forgot how hard they could be. He's worth it though.

I'm going to get out of this house soon. I need to.

I guess this is it.
Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

That's what I tell myself.
I was just over my head earlier. I hope I don't have another episode like that. I'm finding new ways to cope with things.



Good night.
- Kristin

Heaven

I don't want to think about it. I can't help it though. He says he feels trapped. He says he's felt trapped. Why? I don't know why! I've kept so much to myself because I didn't want that to happen again, but it's happened again, because I kept my promise. I told him how I felt. I told him I was sad. I told him about the problems I have at home. He knows about everything else in the past. It's adding up, and now this. My heart dropped. I want it to stop beating. I hold my breath, but I can't get myself to hold it long enough. So many things are going on in my head because it brings me back to the past, when he liked another girl. What if it's happening now? What if it's happening again? My heart is breaking. We're still together, but it's breaking, and I'm too weak to bring myself to say that I'm okay. My eyes feel heavy. I'm so tired. I just wanna sleep. I just wanna forget everything. I don't wanna be here. I wanna be happy.

I've heard several times that you have to go through this kind of stuff to be happy. But how long is this supposed to last? I've been sad for so long. There hasn't been a time where I can say I was truly happy. I just want everything to end. I just wanna smile. I just want things to look forward to.


I heard Heaven is a nice place.
Can I go now?


- Kristin

Infinite

I can't bring myself to stop crying. I thought last week was bad, but this is worse. I don't wanna be here anymore. I don't wanna deal with it anymore. I don't care if you call me weak, because I am weak. I can't write anymore. I mean that I can't write my philosophy paper anymore. I can't concentrate. I'm too sad. Why is this happening? Why isn't he understanding? He was the one person I could turn to, and now I'm afraid.

When I think about it, I'm alone. And I know some people have it worse, but it doesn't change the fact that I have what I have.

I wish I could feel infinite.

But I look at my wrists and the imaginary slashes and see nothing infinite about me. I look in the mirror and I see my mouth forming a frown. I see the redness in my nose from the sobbing. I see my face in the mirror and see nothing but sadness in my own eyes.

I see nothing infinite.

Another one..

Same day, another post. I just don't wanna cry. I'm already crying, but I think writing will lessen the tears.

It's always nice to have something to look forward to. But now my something is becoming nothing. Why does this always happen? The one thing I look forward to.

Can I just take the easy way out now?

Here...

I'm going to write as though I'm talking to someone. I'm going to write as though someone's listening. I'm going to write as though no one's listening. It doesn't make sense, but it does. If you choose to waste your time reading this, don't let me stop you. And if you're that someone who's listening, let me know. And if you're not listening, just please keep quiet.

Today, I finished reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. It was a very good book. I like Charlie. I can relate to him in so many ways. I went to school. It was nothing special. I went to ASL class. It was routine. I talked to my friends and played a game called Never Have I Ever. It wasn't fair, because I was against two guys, but that doesn't really matter. I got my midterm back. I got an A on it. Class ended early, and I made my way to my next class which would start in about an hour. That is when I finished reading the book, and during that time, my boyfriend texted me. It made me sad. I've been sad. I have no one to talk to about it. But anyways, that isn't the point. He said he lost himself. And it makes me sad because I know I can't help him, no matter how hard I try to. I've accepted that I can't be everything for him, although I wish I could. Sometimes I don't even feel like his girlfriend, but then I think about the reality that I am, and it makes me happy. It's a different kind of happy. I don't know what kind of happy. I think it's a sad kind of happy, because there is so much that I wanna do, but I cannot do. We stopped texting because he had lab, and I had anthropology class. I got a B on the midterm. I wish it was an A, but it's not, and it's okay. I didn't work for it.

I forgot to mention that I turned off my phone. I turned it off because it makes me sad when I don't receive anything when it's on and I guess I think that when I turn it on, something will come up. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't, and when it does it makes me happy, and when it doesn't, it makes me sad. My teacher wanted to talk to me after class because I told him my major was Biology. He said that later on he wants to help me out, because it's all about "the people you know." He mentioned one of his friends that does something medical and he said he could help me out a lot. He just told me to keep the number on the syllabus for the future. That was nice of him.

That was my last class. I turned on my phone. I got nothing. I was sad. I put on my sunglasses and I went on my way to drive home. I put on one of my favorite CDs. It's a mix CD. I cried the way home to the point where everything was a blur to me. I was sad. I am sad. I wish I could take all those times I was happy and just make time stop. My chest hurts from the sobbing. My eyes hurt from the tears. I wish I had someone to talk to. This is why I keep reading. This is why I write. I don't wanna cry anymore. And when I read and write, it helps. Not all the time. Just sometimes.

I thought about August 25th. I thought about summer. It gave me a warm feeling. I saw a Toyota Camry when I exited the freeway. It reminded me of my boyfriend. At first I thought it was him, because the damage in the back was similar to his damage. But then I looked at the emblem. It was gold. His is silver. It wasn't him.

I was driving a little slow. I was driving like I didn't know how to drive. My sunglasses were off. And it didn't matter if the sun was in my eyes. I was still crying. Someone honked at me and switched lanes. He looked at me and was about to give me the finger, but I guess he saw me crying and apologized with a hand gesture.

I parked my car on the driveway. I sat in there for ten minutes listening to the rest of my CD. It made me cry more. I put on my sunglasses because I knew that when I walk in, my brother and my neighbor would be inside. I heard their voices when I got out of the car. I gave them a fake smile and went to my room and put my stuff away. I went to my parents' restroom and opened my dad's drawer where I knew he kept his knives. I picked it up and stared. Then put it down. I walked away and went back into my room.

Dane says I'm strong. I think he really means it, but when I think about it myself, I don't feel strong.

All I wanna do is take the easy way out.
I think I know why I haven't.
And I think that makes all this pain worth it.

Hopefully it'll go away soon. But if it doesn't, we'll see what happens...


Oh, and when I was reaching the end of the book, he said that it's okay to be the way you are. I guess I should stop being sorry for being who I am. I'm the kind of person that cries all the time. I'm the kind of person that needs someone.

I should stop being sorry, but I'm still sorry because I don't wanna waste anyone's time..


That's all.
- Kristin

I can reach the kitchen..

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

-- Taken from The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Eh

Lately, I've been stuck between the pages of so many books. I can't stop reading, but then again, I want to stop. Reading the kind of books I picked up at the bookstore makes me feel so nostalgic. I don't know. Even though my house is always full, it's just been really lonely. I miss my friends. I miss my boyfriend.

I just want someone to hug right now.
FML.

I have nothing left to say.
Because I don't know what else to say.
:'(